Story Books

      

        In America, if you want to visit a bookstore your choices are simplified to either a Barnes & Noble or Borders. Wait, what? Borders is no longer a thing? Ok, so your choice is Barnes & Noble. There you will find lots of information about the newest edition of the Nook Tablet along with calendars, stationary, games, puzzles, coffee, muffins, magazines, and DVDs. A trip to a Barnes & Noble ensures a shiny pamphlet with lots of Nook related information, a coffee frapp with whipped cream, and a Seinfeld version of the Clue board game. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll see some books there too.

      But in London, for some crazy reason, the books are the primary focus of bookstores. And your choices are not limited to one chain store. During my summer in London, I made sure I visited every bookstore I saw. If I was with a group traveling somewhere and passed an interesting bookstore, I made a mental note of its location and revisited it another time. There was the used bookstore on Kensington Church Street on the walk to school, a few other shops in Notting Hill, and perhaps most impressive, the block in Covent Gardens that had four bookshops.

Santa Hates Poor People

      I first became skeptical of Santa Claus at the age of seven. Never mind that I had no visual proof of his existence and that the fourth graders on my bus told me he was fake, the real reason I began questioning him was when I learned he neglected poor people.
     Every year my elementary school held a present drive for poor families. Each classroom was assigned to one family and each student would get a family member along with their age, a list of things they needed, and their clothing sizes. Our teacher told us that by getting presents for this family, we would make them very happy and give them a Christmas to remember. In first grade, I didn’t think to ask why we needed to buy things for these people; I was too busy studying the Sears Wish Book with a marked determination to leave no toy un-circled.

Sex with Chris Williams

    Tonight is your lucky night. You’re about to have sex with Chris Williams. Let’s make our way into the boudoir, shall we? It’s much more comfortable in there. Take a seat by the fireplace and unbutton your shirt while I put on a little mood music. The Scooby-Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed soundtrack should do it. Enjoy the movements of my body as I slowly stroll towards you. I remove my glasses and bite the end of them, thus impressing you with my oral abilities. I give you my bedroom eyes. Don’t fight it, you know you want me, but I’m gonna make you work for it. Some wine might be nice, don’t you agree? Let me just...Oh God! Are you ok? I’ve never been good at opening these bottles, but I’ve never had the cork hit someone in the face before. Shit, you’re bleeding a little. You’re sure you’re ok? Fine then, now it’s time for me to...What? No, I will not turn off the Scooby-Doo soundtrack. You’re ruining the mood, just shut up already. Now it is time for me to caress your face. Will you please stop squirming? Yes, I know my hands are cold, but try not to think about it. What? My hands are not crusty; I use special skin therapy lotion. It comes highly recommended by the local nursing home. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you weren’t into this. Ok, ok, let’s just get this over with. I will now remove my clothing... Seriously, again with the flinching? What is it this time? Yes, I have pale skin. It is not unusually pale. Why don’t you just shut up already? Ow! There’s no need to slap me! I told you I don’t like it rough. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you putting your shirt back on? Don’t leave! You know what, I take that back. Leave! You don’t deserve me anyway. You just missed out on the best night of your life. You just denied yourself sex with Chris Williams.

Fake News: INDEPENDENT ENTREPRENEUR DRAWS CROWD FOR BLACK FRIDAY SALE

      Shoppers were lined up outside the 34th Street Macy’s this Black Friday in the hopes of scoring some good deals. But these shoppers weren’t lined up for the sale inside; they were more interested in what was going on in the back alley.

     An unnamed entrepreneur set up his own sale in the dark alleyway behind Macy’s promising to give shoppers what they really wanted. Amongst the items for sale were dead rats, used napkins, broken flip-flops, half-eaten yogurt containers, and even old cushions from a stained couch. While these very same items might be on sale in any other department store, the man outside Macy’s was offering them at prices that shoppers couldn’t refuse.

Always Be Prepared and Stuff

     

       The motto of the Boy Scouts of America is “always be prepared.” While at first this might sound like a warning against the perils of unprotected sex, its real purpose is to drill into young boys the value of thinking ahead. I think this is perhaps where I went wrong when my Boy Scout troop visited a local nursing home at Christmastime when I was eight.

I Love You, A Little

       

      I love you, my dear, but only a little. Oh yes, there was a time when I loved you with all my being. I first saw you exiting a Curves as I sat in the parking lot eating a Quiznos sub. Out of curiosity, I followed you, and I fell in love somewhere between your trip to the doctor’s office and when you bought groceries at Whole Foods.  I was addicted, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get enough of you.

The Philanthropists

       We are the most generous people in the world. We don’t mean to brag, but there is no denying that bold statement once one has examined all of the selfless, marvelous things we have done. Just last week we built a school for some filthy little Guatemalan children. Oh, their lives were so wretched before we helped them. Imagine, they didn’t even have a school to go to. Well, once Jim and I found out about that, the first thing we did was ask Maria, our maid, if her family had schools back in Guatemala. Apparently, Maria is Mexican, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all the same country.