What I Think Happens In Movies I’ve Never Seen

You’ve Got Mail

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks both live in New York City and run bookstores, but Tom Hanks is a big-time corporate bookstore owner while Meg Ryan owns an independent one. They do not like each other. Using new, high-tech AOL instant messaging, the two strike up an online relationship without knowing each other’s true identities. Tom Hanks knows who she really is (maybe?) and they keep messaging but don’t meet up (I guess?). Then at the end they fall in love even though they are bookstore competitors or something.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Robin Williams is a divorced father of three or four kids (one of which probably became famous later on, but the rest were played by unknown child actors). His ex-wife, Sally Field, doesn’t trust him with the kids or won’t let him spend time with them (because he was an absent father when they were married?). In order to spend time with his children, Robin Williams decides to masquerade himself as a maid. There is one scene in which he lights his bosom on fire and there is also probably some type of musical montage where he is bad at doing household chores. The children eventually find out the maid is their father and Sally Field is touched by how much trouble Robin Williams went through to be with their kids. He is granted visitation rights.

10 Essential Etiquette Tips

1. It’s not polite to stare. It’s especially not polite if you get an erection while staring.

2. Always say “please” and “thank you” and “I didn’t pee on that tree, I swear!”

3. When picking your nose in public, be sure to ask the person standing next to you if he or she would like a taste.

4. Never eat with your mouth open, just let the food fall to your lap when it presses against your closed lips.

5. If you must flatulate during dinner, excuse yourself from the table and release your gas onto the nearest small mammal’s face.

6. Do not interrupt someone while he or she is speaking. In fact, never speak again in order to spare yourself the embarrassment.

7. Keep your elbows off the table, and your bottom off the chair.

8. Use the smaller fork for salad and the larger fork for scratching your genitals.

9. When you’ve finished your meal, smash your dinner plate on the ground and accuse your spouse of cheating on you.

10.  When in doubt, penis out (it helps break the tension).

10 Things My Parents Told Me When I Was Younger That I’ll Never Forget

1. I before E except after C.

2. Always say “please” and “thank you.”

3. Never order pasta at a diner.

4. You have to go to college; it’s the law.

5. Get that crap out of my shopping cart.

6. Go to bed; “The Sopranos” is on.

7. We have a two-hour car ride ahead of us. If you’re not quiet, Santa won’t bring you presents.

8. Why is there toothpaste on the toilet seat?

9. Don’t lie to me. I know you touched the computer because now it’s not working.

10. I killed the mailman. Forget that I told you this. Tell no one.