Happy Easter Janie

       

       Janie, be careful with that. We don’t want dye all over the counter. That’s better. Wow, that Easter egg really came out nice. Good job princess.

        Look, sweetheart I think it’s time we had a talk. You’re getting older now; you’ll be a first grader next year. As your father, I feel it is my right to tell you some facts of life so that you’re better prepared for the world. Well, where to begin? How ‘bout Easter! Janie, angel, you know the Easter Bunny you’re so excited to have come tonight? Well, he’s not real. Your mother and I are the ones who fill your basket with chocolates and treats. I know, it’s rather shocking, but this is just one of the many terrible truths about life that you will have to face. What? Of course you’ll still get chocolate tomorrow, but it’ll be from your mother and I. Not some magical rabbit. Remember when your tooth fell out and you put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy came? She’s not real either. That was me who put the money under your pillow. And Santa? I hate to break it to you sweetheart but he is also just a charade. There is no Santa and there’s no magic and there’s nothing worth living for. I can see this is upsetting you, honey, but you need to know all of this if you’re gonna survive in this world.

Choose Your Own Adventure Story!

    
     It is 8AM and your alarm wakes you up. Class starts in a half hour. Pick 1 to get out of bed or 2 to go back to sleep.

1. Time to shower! After that you brush your teeth, and get dressed. Now it’s time to go to class. To go to class choose 3. To go to JFK airport and hop on a flight to Somalia, choose 4.

2. You sleep for an additional 4 hours and wake up because the sun is incredibly bright. You decide to get out of bed and get dressed. Go to 5 to put on a blue shirt, go to 6 to put on a green shirt.

3. Wow, you’re really bad at this. You’re not allowed to read anymore.

4. Somalia is really sunny. Better put on some sunscreen! Next, you decide to do some sightseeing. To ask a local for directions pick 7. To buy a sword, pick 8.

A Christmas to Remember

Photo via Flickr by Nationaal Archief

    Jim and I truly had a Christmas to remember this year. And that is really saying a lot when you consider last Christmas. Jim bought me my very own private island. I haven’t visited it or anything, since I hate the hot weather, but it really is the thought that counts and he knew I always wanted one just to be able to say that I had it. Jim is always so good at getting presents, but I always struggle. Last year, I bought Jim an Indochinese tiger. He liked it enough, I guess, but I could tell that his eyes didn’t light up the way they should have. I really should’ve gotten him the Bengal tiger.

I Love You, A Little

       

      I love you, my dear, but only a little. Oh yes, there was a time when I loved you with all my being. I first saw you exiting a Curves as I sat in the parking lot eating a Quiznos sub. Out of curiosity, I followed you, and I fell in love somewhere between your trip to the doctor’s office and when you bought groceries at Whole Foods.  I was addicted, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get enough of you.

The Philanthropists

       We are the most generous people in the world. We don’t mean to brag, but there is no denying that bold statement once one has examined all of the selfless, marvelous things we have done. Just last week we built a school for some filthy little Guatemalan children. Oh, their lives were so wretched before we helped them. Imagine, they didn’t even have a school to go to. Well, once Jim and I found out about that, the first thing we did was ask Maria, our maid, if her family had schools back in Guatemala. Apparently, Maria is Mexican, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all the same country.