Choose Your Own Adventure Story!

    
     It is 8AM and your alarm wakes you up. Class starts in a half hour. Pick 1 to get out of bed or 2 to go back to sleep.

1. Time to shower! After that you brush your teeth, and get dressed. Now it’s time to go to class. To go to class choose 3. To go to JFK airport and hop on a flight to Somalia, choose 4.

2. You sleep for an additional 4 hours and wake up because the sun is incredibly bright. You decide to get out of bed and get dressed. Go to 5 to put on a blue shirt, go to 6 to put on a green shirt.

3. Wow, you’re really bad at this. You’re not allowed to read anymore.

4. Somalia is really sunny. Better put on some sunscreen! Next, you decide to do some sightseeing. To ask a local for directions pick 7. To buy a sword, pick 8.

5. Blue it is. You look down at your shirt and feel melancholy and alone. Maybe it would be best if you didn’t exist anymore. Pick 10 to kill yourself or 11 to pet a puppy.

6. Wow, green certainly is your color. Jesus comes and tells you that he needs you to help him repair his rocket ship so he can get back to heaven on time for Eleanor Roosevelt’s birthday bash. Pick 17 to help Jesus or 22 to tell him that you’re an atheist and that you’re sure there’s someone better suited to help him.  

7. The locals aren’t very friendly. You decide to sing them a song. Pick 12 to sing “Heaven is a Place on Earth” or pick 13 to hum the theme song from “Full House.”

8. This sword is sharp, but you don’t know how to use it. You find a group of pirates and ask them to help you. You charm them with your humor and they decide to let you join their pirate club! Now it’s time to find some buried treasure. Go to 14! (That’s right, I’m calling the shots here. You must do what I say!)

9. Your cult believes that Thor is the supreme leader of the universe and that he will soon come back to Earth on his spaceship to take you all to heaven. To have sex with your many sister-mother-wives, pick 34. To decide to spread the message about your cult to the public, pick 35.

10. You’re dead. Pick 18 to be embalmed or 19 to be cremated.

11. Awww, the puppy is so cute. Choose 20 to name it “Fred” or pick 21 to sell it to a hungry Chinese man.

12. Lucky for you, the locals are won over by your beautiful singing voice. They name you king of the Somali pirates and they need your help finding some buried treasure. Also, you have a pet parrot now. Pick 15 to name it “Sammy” or 16 to just call it “parrot.”

13. The locals are confused and slit your throat. You die, but your body is never identified. Your family and loved ones back home spend years hoping that some day you’ll come back. But you don’t, because you’re dead. The end.

14. You’re on the pirate ship with your new pirate friends. According to the treasure map, the treasure is buried on a desert island. After days of travel, you finally see the island. To swim to the island, go to 23. To forget this pirate business and join a cult, go to 9.

15. You and Sammy are ready for some swashbuckling adventures on the high seas. Go to 14! (Yup, you have no choice. Deal with it.)

16. You and “parrot” are ready for some swashbuckling adventures on the high seas. Go to 14! (Yup, you have no choice. Deal with it.)

17. Writing is hard sometimes. I’m tired. Try putting on a blue shirt instead (5) or befriending a homeless black man (28).

18. You are buried. The end.

19. Your ashes are spread near the local Chili’s bar and grill. The end.

20. You and Fred play catch on campus. Unfortunately, Fordham does not allow pets, so Fred must be euthanized. You spiral into a depression after losing the one thing that loved you unconditionally. The end.

21. The Chinese man takes the puppy and eats it. He has nothing to pay you with but he says that if you can help him solve a mystery he will be able to pay you. Pick 30 to help him, pick 31 to go back to sleep.

22. You masturbate to pictures of leprechauns. Haha, look at what I made you do! You must be so embarrassed right now. Pick 30 to help a Chinese man retrieve an ancient gem or pick 35 to spread your cult's message to the world.

23. As you are swimming to the island a beautiful mermaid stops you. To fall in love with the mermaid pick 25. To die alone, pick 27.

24. You are on the island. You take out your map and follow the directions. You dig and find a treasure chest. Pick 26 to open it or pick 3 to share it with everyone else.

25. It was a trick! She’s evil and wants the treasure too! But now you have fallen under her spell and are in love. To kill your beloved and reach the island, pick 24. To let the mermaid have the treasure, pick 3.

26. Treasure! You steal it and fly back to America. You have two choices: befriend a homeless black man (28) or join a cult (9)...or you could stop reading this and get on with your life, but you really shouldn’t because there are lots of other funny things here.

27. You die alone because you were unwilling to let love into your life. The end.

28. The homeless black man you befriend invites you to join him for some meth. To accept the meth, pick 36. To help the homeless black man build a time machine and go on a fun adventure in ancient Egypt, pick 37.

29. You die and it turns out Thor isn’t real. Maybe things would’ve gone differently if you ate the blueberry cheesecake (33).

30.  A ninja stole an ancient gem from the Chinese man. According to the Chinese man, this ninja lives nearby and is hiding the gem behind his glass eye. You follow the Chinese man’s instructions and sneak into the ninja’s house. To fight the ninja, pick 38. To enter an endless time loop where you never stop reading this piece, go to 4 every time you see “the end.”

31. You dream that you’re back in fifth grade but everyone is a dinosaur. In your sleep, you die from cardiac arrest. The end.

32. The new plan is that you and your flock will eat cyanide-laced cheesecake in order to be reunited with Thor. To eat blueberry cyanide cheesecake, pick 33. To eat plain cheesecake, pick 29.

33. Turns out, Thor loves blueberries! His spaceship arrives and you and your flock have lots of fun as you make your way to heaven. Once you get there you find out that heaven is filled with puppies, ice cream, and soft blankets. Just kidding, you died when you ate the cheesecake. Thor isn’t real. Don’t be stupid. The end.

34. Oh yeah, you just got laid like 5 times. Go to 35.

35.  Time to spread the word of your cult to the public! You go door to door spreading the good word but no one seems to deem your cause worthy. You decide that the world has been poisoned and that the time must be near when Thor will come to claim you and your flock. You wait for several years but Thor does not come. It is time to create a new plan. To find out what the plan is, pick 32. To befriend a homeless black man, pick 28.

36. You get addicted to meth and start dog fighting. Slowly, you start doing heroine and your body becomes bony and toxic. Your parents become worried because they haven’t heard from you in years. Your mom grieves constantly and becomes a hollow shell of her former self. Your dad loses his job. One day, they’re walking on the street and you see them. You tell them everything you’ve been through. They hug you and tell you they love you. You decide to go home with them for the first family dinner you’ve had in years. You take a shower and put on some of your old clothes. They’re a bit baggy, but you feel more like yourself again. At dinner, your mom makes your favorite meal and your dad tells lighthearted jokes and anecdotes about your siblings. The last time you saw them they were kids. Now they’re all grown up with families of their own. After dinner, in the living room, your mom serves you and your dad pieces of your favorite dessert. Once everyone has sat down, you take out your knife and stab your parents. This whole thing had been a trick so that you could steal their money and valuables. You take as many things as you can and pawn them off. With the money, you buy more drugs. As you walk down the street with the blood of your parents splattered over your clothes and drugs in your pocket, you are killed in a drive-by shooting. The end.

37.  The time machine transports you to the Egyptian pyramids. There, you learn about King Tut, papyrus, and the importance of following your heart. You and your homeless black man friend take the time machine back to 2012 where you stop to get some ice cream and play checkers. This is the only possible happy ending in this entire post. Congratulations! You win! Just kidding, the homeless black man rapes you to death. The end.

38. What? You actually thought you could beat a ninja? You’re so fucking stupid. Obviously the ninja killed you. The end.