The Philanthropists

       We are the most generous people in the world. We don’t mean to brag, but there is no denying that bold statement once one has examined all of the selfless, marvelous things we have done. Just last week we built a school for some filthy little Guatemalan children. Oh, their lives were so wretched before we helped them. Imagine, they didn’t even have a school to go to. Well, once Jim and I found out about that, the first thing we did was ask Maria, our maid, if her family had schools back in Guatemala. Apparently, Maria is Mexican, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all the same country.

    Anyway, Jim hired the gardener to go pick up some of those Hispanics from that gas station down the road. On our own dime, we flew those Hispanics to Guatemala and provided them with $1,500 to build a school. $1,500 is a lot of money down there, you know.

     So they start building and I just had the best idea I could possibly think of. Since we were going out of our way to build these dirty Guatemalans a school with money out of our own pockets, we should get some recognition. I told Jim that we should have some sort of plaque in our honor, so that everyone would know how much we cared about those dirty little children. The plaque should be gold with finely etched lettering. Jim loved the idea and we spent that night discussing how we should be remembered. We finally agreed on two marble statues erected in our likeness along with several smaller figures, made of stone, of small filthy children groveling at our feet. The statues of Jim and I would act as fountains of sorts, water would poor from our eyeballs and pool around our feet, to be lapped up by the children. See, the water represents our generosity and knowledge. The statues epitomized the essence of the project so much more than a small, simple gold plaque.

     We were really excited about our plan and we contacted one of those Hispanics who was working on the school. They had barely started, those people can be so lazy, it had been 3 days and they only had the foundation built. Since they were obviously incompetent school builders, we set them to work on our statues. After all, we were paying for the school out of our own pocket, and the children could wait a little bit longer to learn. I’m sure they have plenty of gasoline soaked rags to play with in the mean time.

     A few days later that main Hispanic called the house and told us that they had run out of money. Those people are so irresponsible with money. We gave them $1,500, for god sakes! One American dollar is like a fortune for those people. Those Hispanics we hired probably spent it all on drugs and pornography. Those kinds of people don’t know how to handle money. They make me sick. And to think, we gave them the opportunity of a lifetime. We pulled them from their sad lives in a gas station parking lot, flew them back to where they came from (you’re welcome!), and gave them the chance to make history by building the very first Jim and Jane Rogers’ School of Knowledge, Excellence, and Achievement for some stinky brats.

     So, out of the kindness of our own hearts, Jim and I decided to give and additional $3,000 to go towards the statues. $3,000. That is a lot of money. And we did it because we cared. But, changes had to be made. We got rid of the original Hispanics, they obviously were using the money for their own selfish purposes, and we got some new ones. These new Hispanics did a marvelous job. They would take pictures of their progress and send them to Jim and I. The statues were perfect. Just how I envisioned them.

   Then, these new Hispanics start complaining about how there isn’t enough money. Not enough money? Apparently, they didn’t have enough money to buy new materials. Well, if they would just stop taking siestas all the time maybe they would be able to handle the money better! Jim and I had been more than generous already, and there was no way we were about to go digging any deeper into our dented wallets. No sir. We told those Hispanics they would have to make do with whatever money and materials they had left. Well, they said, the school would not be safe if we did that. Obviously, they were just a bunch of lazy, ungrateful heathens who were trying to weasel their way out of work. Jim and I really put our foot down and told them to finish the school. Those kinds of people respond to authority.

     So, after two weeks the school was finished. Jim and I would have liked to go to the grand opening but we had to go yacht shopping that day and it was impossible to fit the school’s opening into our schedule. Oh well. It was probably for the best since after four hours of opening, the school collapsed in on itself and killed eighteen children. Can you imagine? Oh, it was awful. But, miraculously, our statues were fine. They still stand there to this very day and anytime anyone of those filthy, dirty brats walks by the rubble of the school and the corpses that surround it, they can look at our statues and think about what great, amazing, generous people we are.