1. It’s not polite to stare. It’s especially not polite if you get an erection while staring.
2. Always say “please” and “thank you” and “I didn’t pee on that tree, I swear!”
3. When picking your nose in public, be sure to ask the person standing next to you if he or she would like a taste.
4. Never eat with your mouth open, just let the food fall to your lap when it presses against your closed lips.
5. If you must flatulate during dinner, excuse yourself from the table and release your gas onto the nearest small mammal’s face.
6. Do not interrupt someone while he or she is speaking. In fact, never speak again in order to spare yourself the embarrassment.
7. Keep your elbows off the table, and your bottom off the chair.
8. Use the smaller fork for salad and the larger fork for scratching your genitals.
9. When you’ve finished your meal, smash your dinner plate on the ground and accuse your spouse of cheating on you.
10. When in doubt, penis out (it helps break the tension).
Additional Tips:
Remember to dot your I’s and cross your T’s and hide the evidence in the linen closet.
Make eye contact and smile while threatening someone on the subway.
Hold the door open for squirrels and raccoons but never for the elderly or handicapped.
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