The Perfect Present

Chris Williams’ Holiday Guide To Not Pissing People Off

      Well, it’s that time of year again. December. You know what that means. Cold weather and crowds at department stores; pushing, shoving, trampling, screaming, and kicking. And for what? Presents, of course. But not just any presents, cheap, discounted, 50%-off presents. These are the coveted items that cause people to neglect the cries of others lying on the gum filled floor of a Target lobby desperately trying not to get their head stepped on by a sweat suit wearing soccer mom who is sprinting towards the electronics department to get that new e-reader for 30% off. But really, we must admire these persistent shoppers. Their dedication cannot be matched. I know for certain that I would never trample anyone for a sale on scented candles. But, there are people who would take any measure necessary to get their hands on those treasures found on aisle 6.

     But why make such a fuss about presents? Christmas, although the Bible will tell you otherwise, is about capitalism. Buying presents should never be taken lightly. The holidays can be awfully stressful and finding the perfect present can cause a lot of anxiety for a shopper. It’s common knowledge that people define other people by the types of presents they give. Not only is there the anxiety over what to get someone but there’s also the anxiety over wondering about what people will get you. Do people like me enough to get me a good present? What if I get them a good present and they give me a crap gift? The best possible position to be in is if you get someone a great gift and they get you a crap gift. Then they feel guilty and owe you something. Always aim for guilt-inducing presents. They’re the best. For those of you looking to offend someone this holiday season, I suggest a Snuggie or an equally over-advertised infomercial product.

      Unfortunately for my gift recipients, I don’t care enough about them to hit the cold streets of New York. Instead, I do all my shopping from the comfort of my overheated dorm room. Online shopping is the perfect option for anyone who is too lazy to put on their boots and get off of the bed. Even though this is less personal, it requires less physical exertion on my part. I spend about five minutes thinking about each person and what it is I should get them. Generally, I’m not too good at this, but I think it’s really the monetary value that counts. I make sure that I buy everyone a present that is at least $12. This is the perfect, respectable amount of money to spend on a friend. Anything less than $10 is insulting, anything more than $12 means you’re trying too hard. Also, it’s imperative for the recipient to know how much you spent on them. I suggest “carelessly forgetting” to remove the price tag. That way, even if they hate the gift, at least they know I care about them $12 worth. And on Christmas, that’s all that matters.

      Let me take you through a specific gift-selecting process. For my friend Ryan, I decided on a comedy related-book and went to Amazon to find the perfect one. The book I found was “The Everything Guide to Comedy Writing: From stand-up to sketch - all you need to succeed in the world of comedy” by Mike Bent. With such a long title, I was sure that this was a great book. In order to test the validity of this product I did what any conscientious consumer would do and began reading the product reviews.

        One review was titled “The best guide to comedy writing yet.” The reviewer’s name is Hrabanus Maurus.  The review begins with “During my career as a professional magician....” I stopped. How is a “professional” magician qualified on informing me on whether or not I want to make a particular purchase? What does he know about comedy? I decided to continue reading, this magician took valuable time out of his life to write a review for this book. This book must have been so life changing that it warranted sitting down and typing out a review to share with the world the wonders to be found within the book. “During my career as a professional magician, I spent a lot of time performing and writing comedy magic.” Comedy Magic? What the hell is that? “My experience has been that most comedy magic is a combination of sketch and standup comedy, in which the magician is only one character and his audience volunteers are the other.” Well I’ve read this far, it’s only fair to read the rest of the review. “Some magicians hate written scripts. They think it is too limiting and/or restricting. Mike tells you how to get around that. I'd give it 10 stars if there were that many available.” Is it just me or is it glaringly obvious that Hrabanus is the author’s gay lover? He addresses the author as “Mike.” In the many years I’ve spent reading Amazon customer reviews, I have never come across a reviewer who mentions the author with such a casual familiarity. “Mike.” This reviewer has been sent by his lover “Mike” to write good reviews for him. And also we can’t forget the business about the stars. Gay people love stars, so it’s only natural that Hrabanus would want to increase the amount of stars given to the product.

       Well, that review was obviously biased, so I moved on. The next reviewer is Jerry. He’s from Illinois, so he already had that working against him. “I spotted this book somewhere and figured ‘why not’?” I’m not sure I want to be taking advice from someone that makes choices so spontaneously. Jerry obviously did not think about this purchase thoughtfully enough. I can already tell that Jerry is impulsive and unreliable.

      So really, I have no idea whether this book would be suitable for Ryan or not. I’ll order it anyway, and just to be safe I’ll leave the receipt inside so he knows I spent more than $10.