As Thanksgiving approaches, more and more Americans question the friendly nature of the first Thanksgiving. According to a new study from the University of College, scholars have determined that the Pilgrims at Plymouth and the Native Americans who inhabited the land were in fact totes besties.
John Wilcomb, who founded University of College for the sole purpose of this study, was aided by copious amounts of funding from the Butterball poultry company.
When asked what this study has found, Wilcomb responded, “It’s really important that Americans forget all of the terrible stuff they’ve heard about what the settlers did to the Native Americans. They got along great, and especially so on Thanksgiving.”
After they first arrived in the New World, the Pilgrims were greeted by a group of Native Americans and the two groups immediately hit it off. The Native Americans taught the pilgrims how to make turkey and stuffing, and the pilgrims told the Native Americans all about the pleasures of footwear. The study also found that they shared many inside jokes.
With such congenial attitudes, it was only natural that the two groups celebrated Thanksgiving together.
Alicia Furman, a student working on the study provided some illuminating details about the first Thanksgiving, “Yeah, they all sat around and watched William Macy, one of the Pilgrims, put on a parade. Then Squanto brought out some lions and everyone watched them fight over a pig carcass.”
But the highlight, as shown by intensive research, was the turkey consumed by the Pilgrims and natives.
B. Keith Shoemaker, chairman of Butterball said, “Turkey has a transformative power that brings people together. That has never been more true than at the first Thanksgiving, and I’m glad that there is now scientific proof to finally back this up.”
However, the meal was not without its conflicts. The group was divided amongst those who preferred whole cranberries in their cranberry sauce to those who preferred the jellied version.
“They decided to have both,” said Furman.
When the meal was over, the groups took a long nap and after waking up, they played cards, shared secrets, and braided each others’ hair.
William Bradford even dished to Squanto that Sam Fuller had hooked up with Mary Brewster on the Mayflower. Squanto didn’t believe it at first, but Bradford was being totes serious.
With all this new information coming to light, Wilcomb sees no reason why people wouldn’t want to celebrate Thanksgiving by buying lots of Butterball turkeys.
“The proof is all here and it’s great that the public will finally know the whole truth. The season of Thanksgiving turned the Pilgrims and Indians into BFFs and nothing would ever tear them apart,” said Wilcomb.
When asked about the later atrocities inflicted upon the Native Americans, Wilcomb declined to comment but did add, "Please buy a Butterball turkey. I'm being held captive by their CEO and if their sales don't go up they will kill me."
In addition to the historical discoveries, the study also found that Butterball turkeys have the ability to help people lose weight, find a job, lower blood pressure, give men long lasting erections, and make you immortal.
No comments:
Post a Comment