Today's Scoop: Evil Sandwiches Infiltrate Library, Nobody Cares

        

     The New York Public Library is opening two ‘wichcraft sandwich stands inside the building starting on March 1 and today at work (I’m a reporter now) I decided to cover this story. Since you read my piece from a few months ago, you know I am concerned about the rising level of commercialism in and around books. Sadly, I must be objective in my reporting for WFUV radio, so I wasn’t able to go off on a humorous rant about how I don’t think the NYPL needs a tourist-attracting food stand inside their building. But here, on my blog, I can do just that, so here we go: There are tons of places to eat right across the street! This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, of course people don’t want to have to go outside (in the sun!) to get food. How ridiculous! Anywhere you are in America, it should be a given that there will be some sort of food within minimal walking distance that also protects you from the harmful rays of Vitamin D. With all these ideas swimming in my head, I went downtown to find someone with similar ideas who I could record and put on the radio. I wanted the public’s opinion, but I wanted the public’s opinion to match mine.

I Heart NYC!!!

Dear Mom and Dad,

     Susie and I are having a terrific time on our honeymoon in the “Big Apple” (that’s what REAL New Yorkers call NYC!!!). We’ve only been here a week but we already feel like we’ve seen everything! We fit right in, we bought “I Heart NY” gear just like the real New Yorkers wear! There’s so much here, I don’t even know where to start.

       The nightlife! It’s amazing! Especially The Times Square, there’s so many lights! It’s like every night is a celebration! And there’s SO MANY great restaurants. They have an Olive Garden and a TGI Fridays! It’s the best food I’ve ever eaten! (Just kidding mom, I love your pot roast!). Oh, and the buildings here are really tall. I can’t believe it! I can stretch my neck all the way back and just be able to make out the top of it!!

Story Books

      

        In America, if you want to visit a bookstore your choices are simplified to either a Barnes & Noble or Borders. Wait, what? Borders is no longer a thing? Ok, so your choice is Barnes & Noble. There you will find lots of information about the newest edition of the Nook Tablet along with calendars, stationary, games, puzzles, coffee, muffins, magazines, and DVDs. A trip to a Barnes & Noble ensures a shiny pamphlet with lots of Nook related information, a coffee frapp with whipped cream, and a Seinfeld version of the Clue board game. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll see some books there too.

      But in London, for some crazy reason, the books are the primary focus of bookstores. And your choices are not limited to one chain store. During my summer in London, I made sure I visited every bookstore I saw. If I was with a group traveling somewhere and passed an interesting bookstore, I made a mental note of its location and revisited it another time. There was the used bookstore on Kensington Church Street on the walk to school, a few other shops in Notting Hill, and perhaps most impressive, the block in Covent Gardens that had four bookshops.

FAKE NEWS: Child Receives No Christmas Presents, Family Sues Santa

    On Sunday morning, millions of children awoke to find presents from Santa Claus piled high beneath their Christmas trees. But for 11-year-old Billy Prescott, the only thing beneath his tree was the floor of his family home in Faketown, Connecticut.

     “I don’t understand,” said Prescott “I was good all year. I was sure Santa would come.”

     The boy’s parents, Roger and Helen Prescott, were equally baffled. “I helped Billy make cookies for Santa this year and everything,” said Mrs. Prescott “We had fully prepared for Mr. Claus’ arrival.”

     “Look, something is wrong here,” said Mr. Prescott, “Billy is 11 years old and this is the only year that Santa hasn’t come. Something needs to be done about this.”

A Christmas to Remember

Photo via Flickr by Nationaal Archief

    Jim and I truly had a Christmas to remember this year. And that is really saying a lot when you consider last Christmas. Jim bought me my very own private island. I haven’t visited it or anything, since I hate the hot weather, but it really is the thought that counts and he knew I always wanted one just to be able to say that I had it. Jim is always so good at getting presents, but I always struggle. Last year, I bought Jim an Indochinese tiger. He liked it enough, I guess, but I could tell that his eyes didn’t light up the way they should have. I really should’ve gotten him the Bengal tiger.

Santa Hates Poor People

      I first became skeptical of Santa Claus at the age of seven. Never mind that I had no visual proof of his existence and that the fourth graders on my bus told me he was fake, the real reason I began questioning him was when I learned he neglected poor people.
     Every year my elementary school held a present drive for poor families. Each classroom was assigned to one family and each student would get a family member along with their age, a list of things they needed, and their clothing sizes. Our teacher told us that by getting presents for this family, we would make them very happy and give them a Christmas to remember. In first grade, I didn’t think to ask why we needed to buy things for these people; I was too busy studying the Sears Wish Book with a marked determination to leave no toy un-circled.

Sex with Chris Williams

    Tonight is your lucky night. You’re about to have sex with Chris Williams. Let’s make our way into the boudoir, shall we? It’s much more comfortable in there. Take a seat by the fireplace and unbutton your shirt while I put on a little mood music. The Scooby-Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed soundtrack should do it. Enjoy the movements of my body as I slowly stroll towards you. I remove my glasses and bite the end of them, thus impressing you with my oral abilities. I give you my bedroom eyes. Don’t fight it, you know you want me, but I’m gonna make you work for it. Some wine might be nice, don’t you agree? Let me just...Oh God! Are you ok? I’ve never been good at opening these bottles, but I’ve never had the cork hit someone in the face before. Shit, you’re bleeding a little. You’re sure you’re ok? Fine then, now it’s time for me to...What? No, I will not turn off the Scooby-Doo soundtrack. You’re ruining the mood, just shut up already. Now it is time for me to caress your face. Will you please stop squirming? Yes, I know my hands are cold, but try not to think about it. What? My hands are not crusty; I use special skin therapy lotion. It comes highly recommended by the local nursing home. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you weren’t into this. Ok, ok, let’s just get this over with. I will now remove my clothing... Seriously, again with the flinching? What is it this time? Yes, I have pale skin. It is not unusually pale. Why don’t you just shut up already? Ow! There’s no need to slap me! I told you I don’t like it rough. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you putting your shirt back on? Don’t leave! You know what, I take that back. Leave! You don’t deserve me anyway. You just missed out on the best night of your life. You just denied yourself sex with Chris Williams.