Today's Scoop: Evil Sandwiches Infiltrate Library, Nobody Cares

        

     The New York Public Library is opening two ‘wichcraft sandwich stands inside the building starting on March 1 and today at work (I’m a reporter now) I decided to cover this story. Since you read my piece from a few months ago, you know I am concerned about the rising level of commercialism in and around books. Sadly, I must be objective in my reporting for WFUV radio, so I wasn’t able to go off on a humorous rant about how I don’t think the NYPL needs a tourist-attracting food stand inside their building. But here, on my blog, I can do just that, so here we go: There are tons of places to eat right across the street! This shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise, of course people don’t want to have to go outside (in the sun!) to get food. How ridiculous! Anywhere you are in America, it should be a given that there will be some sort of food within minimal walking distance that also protects you from the harmful rays of Vitamin D. With all these ideas swimming in my head, I went downtown to find someone with similar ideas who I could record and put on the radio. I wanted the public’s opinion, but I wanted the public’s opinion to match mine.
      I got to the library’s steps and took out my mic. When I asked one woman what she thought about this issue, she replied, “I’m not from here. I don’t know.” While this is a riveting insight, it did little to propel my cause. I needed to talk to locals, and I could easily target them amongst all the tourists. They were the ones who ignored me and kept walking. The very same people who probably agreed with me were the same ones who wouldn’t talk to me. If only they knew what was at stake! Sandwiches in the library! I needed people to understand the horror of this and give me a good sound bite.

      The outside steps weren’t cutting it, so I decided to infiltrate the library’s lobby. I found out the library was doing a test run of the food stands at noon today. I also learned that London tourists look a lot like New York locals. I made my way up to the second floor to find the test run, which was starting in 20 minutes. I was stopped by security. Apparently, I was not authorized to be talking to the public about this hot-button sandwich issue. The library was trying to stop me. It was a conspiracy. Now more then ever, I needed to get this story out there. Without my reporting, the world would be unaware of the evil commercialized sandwiches and their infiltration of one of New York’s oldest establishments.

      I was told I needed to contact the NYPL’s press office to get authorization. Fine, I thought, I’ll get that authorization and then I’ll expose you people for the sandwich pushers that you are. I called and no one answered. They knew I was on to them. I went back upstairs and asked the annoyed Indian security guard who had previously asked me to leave if there was anyone in the building I could talk to. Conveniently, there was not.  Again, I was asked to leave. It was getting closer to noon and I knew that the test run would be my best opportunity to get my sound bites. After playing phone tag, I got authorization to talk to people about sandwiches, because doing so without authorization is inconceivable. Upstairs, I saw the line for the sandwiches. I was ready to pull out my mic and get my bite (sound bite, not sandwich bite). But, once again, I was stopped by security. I had to wait with the annoyed Indian man’s supervisor while we waited for the press office’s phone call to come in. Another security guard walked up to us and silently handed the supervisor a piece of paper. I saw him unfold it, and it had my name on it. I felt important. I finally had the proper authorization to talk to the public. I moved towards the sandwich line. Every single person in line was an employee. My heart sank. My authorization meant nothing if there were no angry hipsters who would say everything I was thinking. The conspiracy deepened. They had filled the line with sandwich-loving employees. They had won. The evil sandwich shop, formerly known as a “library” had won. In the end, I decided to use a bite I got the first ten minutes I was there. It was good but not ideal.

      In about 10 years I’m sure visitors to the New York Public Library will enjoy these ‘wichcraft sandwiches along with a McDonald’s, a Jamba Juice, and a Chipotle. Additionally, there will be an indoor water park and Build-a-Bear workshop. In order to make room for all of this, the books had to be removed and burned. It’s probably for the best since no one bothered to look at them anyway. It’s a win-win situation. Tourists get the indoor fun and food they constantly desire and the library gets a lot of money. And, dear readers, you have me to thank. Because instead of getting a strong quote about how wrong this all is, all I managed to get was a brief, upbeat bite about how we shouldn’t eat in the library. Journalism has the power to change the world, but that’s not what happened today.

    But at least I have this blog to voice my concerns and I’m glad that all 2 of you are as worried as I am. Also, I know that all 2 of you are just my dad reading and then re-reading this. So hi dad, if you get a chance can you transfer some more money into my checking account? Thanks, love you.