What I Think Happens In Movies I’ve Never Seen

You’ve Got Mail

Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks both live in New York City and run bookstores, but Tom Hanks is a big-time corporate bookstore owner while Meg Ryan owns an independent one. They do not like each other. Using new, high-tech AOL instant messaging, the two strike up an online relationship without knowing each other’s true identities. Tom Hanks knows who she really is (maybe?) and they keep messaging but don’t meet up (I guess?). Then at the end they fall in love even though they are bookstore competitors or something.

Mrs. Doubtfire

Robin Williams is a divorced father of three or four kids (one of which probably became famous later on, but the rest were played by unknown child actors). His ex-wife, Sally Field, doesn’t trust him with the kids or won’t let him spend time with them (because he was an absent father when they were married?). In order to spend time with his children, Robin Williams decides to masquerade himself as a maid. There is one scene in which he lights his bosom on fire and there is also probably some type of musical montage where he is bad at doing household chores. The children eventually find out the maid is their father and Sally Field is touched by how much trouble Robin Williams went through to be with their kids. He is granted visitation rights.

We All Have Choices

Follow along as I create my own destiny!

Word Problems Worth Solving

Please write in pencil and show all your work.

If Susan is taller than Ricky and Jeffrey is shorter than Susan, how long will it take Ricky to find out Susan gave his brother a handy behind the bleachers?

A pie is divided into 8 equal slices. Bob and Nancy each eat more than one slice, but Bob eats his slices twice as fast as Nancy. How many slices can each of them eat before they realize they're in a loveless marriage?

Kurt walks into a clothing store with $57.83 in his pocket. If a pair of shoes costs $39.99, a pair of socks $12.99, a sweater $27.95, and a belt $16.50 how many minutes will he practice talking to himself in the fitting room mirror before flirting with the cute cashier?

Train A is traveling west at 80 mph. Train B is traveling east at 65 mph. Train A left the station at noon pacific time and Train B left at 3PM central time. At what time will it become evident that the passenger with the fedora is actually a Russian spy?

Billy has 50 coins in his collection. If he adds 20 more coins, he’ll have half as many coins as Raymond. How many years will it take Raymond to come out of the closet?

A bag contains 30 marbles. 4 are red, 6 are blue, 7 are black, 3 are white, and 10 are green. What is the probability that Mandy will choke on a blue marble and die?

10 Essential Etiquette Tips

1. It’s not polite to stare. It’s especially not polite if you get an erection while staring.

2. Always say “please” and “thank you” and “I didn’t pee on that tree, I swear!”

3. When picking your nose in public, be sure to ask the person standing next to you if he or she would like a taste.

4. Never eat with your mouth open, just let the food fall to your lap when it presses against your closed lips.

5. If you must flatulate during dinner, excuse yourself from the table and release your gas onto the nearest small mammal’s face.

6. Do not interrupt someone while he or she is speaking. In fact, never speak again in order to spare yourself the embarrassment.

7. Keep your elbows off the table, and your bottom off the chair.

8. Use the smaller fork for salad and the larger fork for scratching your genitals.

9. When you’ve finished your meal, smash your dinner plate on the ground and accuse your spouse of cheating on you.

10.  When in doubt, penis out (it helps break the tension).

House of Anubis Returns for a Redundant New Chapter

Season 3 promises just as much recycled storytelling, plot holes, and bad acting as ever before!

Sibuna!

   It's back! It's back! It's back! America's favorite terrible teen show is back for a third season and I couldn't be more excited! When the theme music started I couldn't help but have a big smile on my face. "House of Anubis: The Reawakening" began tonight and there were a lot of questions fans have had to deal with over the 10 month (!) hiatus. Season 2 ended in a way that tied up a lot of loose ends, but behind the scenes drama is what had fans wondering what lies ahead for the show. The "actress" who plays Nina has decided not to return to the series. Her integral role as 'The Chosen One' had me wondering how they'd explain her absence. The answer? They didn't. At least not yet.
  The key mystery in the premiere wisely revolves around Nina. This is a great way to play with the fragile, preteen audience's psyches. Honestly, if they had answered where she was in the first 5 minutes, I might have just tuned out. But the story plays across the entire hour, featuring a very suspenseful scene in the first 10 minutes where Headmaster Sweet and a grief-stricken looking Trudy enter to make an announcement. Readers, I was afraid Nina would be dead. But instead, Mr. Sweet announces Nina won't be returning to school...and says nothing else. There's an air of secrecy around this announcement and Fabian seems the only one concerned about Nina's whereabouts. Amber seems mildly concerned at first, but the next day is her birthday and this subplot consumes all of her attention. Amber being more concerned about birthday presents than her best friend is either an in character choice or some terrible writing. You decide.