You Better Watch Out

        

    While the children are snug in their beds, St. Nick slips in through the chimney and eats some milk and cookies. He places the presents under the tree and goes on his merry way. That’s if you're good. If you’re naughty, and live in the Alpine countries, a far darker fate awaits you. Instead of getting coal, Alpine children are tortured by a demonic creature with cloven hooves and fur until they repent for their sins. If they’re really bad, no amount of repentance can save them. They’re dragged to hell in the beast’s sack and are devoured as its Christmas dinner.

    This creature is known as the Krampus and in Eastern Europe he and Santa travel around together on Christmas going from home to home. It’s the classic good cop/bad cop duo. While most Americans would be shocked to know that Santa (who was originally a bishop) would keep such company, the Krampus actually predates the birth of Christ. Like a lot of aspects of our modern Christmas celebration, the Krampus has his roots in Pagan traditions.

     Since the Krampus is so old, he’s gotten really good at the torturing part of his job. In the 1800s, greeting cards depicting the Krampus enacting various types of torture became very popular. Amongst his methods include ripping pigtails out, leading children off a cliff, sadistic ear-pulling, shackling children, forcing them to beg for mercy, and throwing them on a train to The Lake of Fire. He also drowns children to death in ink and fishes out the corpse with a pitchfork. In most of the images, the Krampus’ long tongue is extended suggesting he also enjoys licking the children. I can only imagine while the Krampus is torturing the children, Santa stands by and watches. They’re both sick fucks, and for some reason, the parents go along with it. Parents will usually leave some alcohol for the Krampus because he’s a badass and milk and cookies are for pussies. And if you have a hot mom, chances are the Krampus will have sex with her before leaving. Nothing says Merry Christmas like alcohol-fueled domestic violence!

   

       In America, we need the Krampus. Too many of us have become spoiled over the years. Even if kids are bad, Santa is such a pushover he’ll give them presents anyway. There’s no incentive to be good. Kids are a lot more likely to be good if the punishment is more severe. Coal isn’t as much of a threat as being licked by a demonic creature who sneaks into your bedroom at night. If Santa were smart he’d call up his old friend Krampus to whip America into shape. He’d really raise the stakes of Christmas and give it that demonic, violent touch it’s always been missing. We’ve had our fair share of Christmas villains, but they’re all wimps. The Grinch’s heart grows three sizes and Scrooge buys the biggest goose for Tiny Tim. The Krampus isn’t nearly as lame. His heart will never be warmed by good will towards men and he’ll always be around to drag the bad children back to hell with him, which is a comforting thought.

     Not everyone is on the same page as me. In the 1950s, the Austrian government wanted to put a stop to the Krampus tradition. They released a pamphlet called “Krampus is an Evil Man.” Um, no shit Austria. Of course he’s evil! That’s what makes him so great. Traditionally, parents would dress as the Krampus a few weeks before Christmas and interview their children to find out if they’ve been good. A 1953 Time magazine article detailed the psychological effects a visit from the Krampus could have on small children. "Last week, the head of Vienna's kindergarten system warned parents that the effect of an interview with Krampus might well leave their children scarred for life," said the article. "In a leaflet called Krampus Is an Evil Man, Dr. Ernst Kotbauer urged that his children be freed of the frightful cross-examiner. 'There is too much fear in the world already... unemployment, high taxes, not to mention the atom bomb. Let's begin by throwing out Krampus.'" Well, leave it to the Vienna Kindergarten system to ruin all the fun. Thanks to them, our world is filled with selfish children and Honey Boo Boos. Maybe we’d all be better people if the Krampus stuck around long enough in Europe to make his way overseas.

     So kids, as Christmas approaches, you better watch out. Santa isn’t the only one coming to town. If you’ve been bad, his friend isn’t afraid to pull your hair, lick you, and devour your cowering flesh. Merry Krampuskarten!