How to Cook Thanksgiving Dinner for One

       

      Hey there! Looks like you’ve had a rough year, huh? I’m not being presumptuous but you are all alone on Thanksgiving. Obviously something’s gone wrong. Anyway, I’m here to help! I’m gonna teach you how to cook Thanksgiving dinner for one in a few easy steps. Let’s get started!

Happy Thanksgiving Kids!

     Hi family, time to get excited! I’m about to cook Thanksgiving dinner! Yes, I know it’s only been a week since the doctor let me out of the hospital, but I think I’m ready to start taking on new challenges and I’m gonna start by cooking us a lovely meal!

     Since I’m not allowed near sharp objects, we can’t have turkey. Sorry kids, but ol’ dad isn’t legally able to use knives so unless you wanna eat the meat directly off the turkey, there’ll be no turkey. This means there’ll also be no stuffing. We can’t go out to eat because daddy isn’t allowed to leave the house for the next six months.

      Why the long faces everyone? Cheer up! I know it’s gonna be hard, but this family has been through MUCH worse. Remember that time I killed Fluffy and put his body parts in each of your beds? That was a dark chapter in our family’s history, and we’ve moved past it. Look how happy we are now!

Times Square on Election Night

  

   “I don’t know if I’m the best person to talk to,” he said.

   “Why?” I asked.  

   “I have multiple personalities. You’d have to talk to all of us.”

   “Oh. Did you vote today?”

   “Yeah. Five times.”

     This was the first person that agreed to let me interview him in Times Square on election night. As I first approached the huge monitors showing election coverage, I figured it’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. There were hundreds of people anxiously awaiting the results of the presidential race but apparently only the crazy ones would talk to an undergrad journalist with a radio mic.