Thanks For Nothing

Unfortunately, none of us were high on heroin in this picture.

       I grew up with a secure, loving family in a nice suburban area. This is the worst possible way for a writer to grow up. If I were raised by drug addicts in the ghetto I'd already have the makings of an interesting memoir. Unfortunately, there's no built-in struggle to the story of my childhood, and it’ll probably be a while before I’m able to write a memoir and become a famous writer. My parents encouraged me to follow my dreams and made sure I always had everything I ever needed and more. I never worried about having a roof over my head. I never went hungry and anyone who knows what I looked like from ages 8 to 16 can attest to this.

I'm Mike Fletcher

     

      I’m Mike Fletcher, alter ego of Chris Williams and the most important thing to know about me is that I’m much cooler than him. I’m a film major at NYU entering my junior year. I have a fake ID and I hang out at cool bars in Williamsburg with all my hipster friends. One of them is in a band. Another one is a performing artist. Sometimes we do gateway drugs together.

    I have sex all the time and I can totally pull off wearing a leather jacket. I’m great in social settings and I never make inappropriate jokes about the Holocaust when first meeting someone. I have perfect vision and I don’t need glasses. I can wear non-prescription sunglasses like normal people and my facial hair grows in evenly.