I'm Mike Fletcher

     

      I’m Mike Fletcher, alter ego of Chris Williams and the most important thing to know about me is that I’m much cooler than him. I’m a film major at NYU entering my junior year. I have a fake ID and I hang out at cool bars in Williamsburg with all my hipster friends. One of them is in a band. Another one is a performing artist. Sometimes we do gateway drugs together.

    I have sex all the time and I can totally pull off wearing a leather jacket. I’m great in social settings and I never make inappropriate jokes about the Holocaust when first meeting someone. I have perfect vision and I don’t need glasses. I can wear non-prescription sunglasses like normal people and my facial hair grows in evenly.

     I grew up on a 4,000-acre pony farm. When I was 12, I set up a detective agency with some newspaper-selling orphans and we solved mysteries from our tree house headquarters. At school, everyone knew my name and no one referred to me as “the one with the glasses.” I ran for student council and people voted for me and I never felt insecure.

      My family also owns an ice cream factory. I ate ice cream all the time, but I was never fat. I work out at a gym and I know how to use all the equipment. Since I’m physically fit and good-looking, other people are sexually attracted to me. I don’t like sports, but I know enough about them to carry a conversation. I even know the names of some players.

      I’ve never felt any anxiety about my future or where I’ll wind up in 5 years. I guess this sense of security stems from the fact that I’m a brilliant writer. I’ve completed 3 screenplays, a collection of short stories, and there’s some interest in producing a pilot I wrote. Writing’s so easy; I can sit at my laptop and write a brilliant indie comedy about a high school track star in under an hour.

     Recently, NASA approached me about being the first space detective, which would fulfill my childhood dream of being a crime-fighting astronaut. My deputy would be Steve Buscemi, who is also my best friend.

       Oh, and I’ve read Infinite Jest. Twice.


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