Story Books

      

        In America, if you want to visit a bookstore your choices are simplified to either a Barnes & Noble or Borders. Wait, what? Borders is no longer a thing? Ok, so your choice is Barnes & Noble. There you will find lots of information about the newest edition of the Nook Tablet along with calendars, stationary, games, puzzles, coffee, muffins, magazines, and DVDs. A trip to a Barnes & Noble ensures a shiny pamphlet with lots of Nook related information, a coffee frapp with whipped cream, and a Seinfeld version of the Clue board game. Maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll see some books there too.

      But in London, for some crazy reason, the books are the primary focus of bookstores. And your choices are not limited to one chain store. During my summer in London, I made sure I visited every bookstore I saw. If I was with a group traveling somewhere and passed an interesting bookstore, I made a mental note of its location and revisited it another time. There was the used bookstore on Kensington Church Street on the walk to school, a few other shops in Notting Hill, and perhaps most impressive, the block in Covent Gardens that had four bookshops.

FAKE NEWS: Child Receives No Christmas Presents, Family Sues Santa

    On Sunday morning, millions of children awoke to find presents from Santa Claus piled high beneath their Christmas trees. But for 11-year-old Billy Prescott, the only thing beneath his tree was the floor of his family home in Faketown, Connecticut.

     “I don’t understand,” said Prescott “I was good all year. I was sure Santa would come.”

     The boy’s parents, Roger and Helen Prescott, were equally baffled. “I helped Billy make cookies for Santa this year and everything,” said Mrs. Prescott “We had fully prepared for Mr. Claus’ arrival.”

     “Look, something is wrong here,” said Mr. Prescott, “Billy is 11 years old and this is the only year that Santa hasn’t come. Something needs to be done about this.”

A Christmas to Remember

Photo via Flickr by Nationaal Archief

    Jim and I truly had a Christmas to remember this year. And that is really saying a lot when you consider last Christmas. Jim bought me my very own private island. I haven’t visited it or anything, since I hate the hot weather, but it really is the thought that counts and he knew I always wanted one just to be able to say that I had it. Jim is always so good at getting presents, but I always struggle. Last year, I bought Jim an Indochinese tiger. He liked it enough, I guess, but I could tell that his eyes didn’t light up the way they should have. I really should’ve gotten him the Bengal tiger.

Santa Hates Poor People

      I first became skeptical of Santa Claus at the age of seven. Never mind that I had no visual proof of his existence and that the fourth graders on my bus told me he was fake, the real reason I began questioning him was when I learned he neglected poor people.
     Every year my elementary school held a present drive for poor families. Each classroom was assigned to one family and each student would get a family member along with their age, a list of things they needed, and their clothing sizes. Our teacher told us that by getting presents for this family, we would make them very happy and give them a Christmas to remember. In first grade, I didn’t think to ask why we needed to buy things for these people; I was too busy studying the Sears Wish Book with a marked determination to leave no toy un-circled.

Sex with Chris Williams

    Tonight is your lucky night. You’re about to have sex with Chris Williams. Let’s make our way into the boudoir, shall we? It’s much more comfortable in there. Take a seat by the fireplace and unbutton your shirt while I put on a little mood music. The Scooby-Doo 2 Monsters Unleashed soundtrack should do it. Enjoy the movements of my body as I slowly stroll towards you. I remove my glasses and bite the end of them, thus impressing you with my oral abilities. I give you my bedroom eyes. Don’t fight it, you know you want me, but I’m gonna make you work for it. Some wine might be nice, don’t you agree? Let me just...Oh God! Are you ok? I’ve never been good at opening these bottles, but I’ve never had the cork hit someone in the face before. Shit, you’re bleeding a little. You’re sure you’re ok? Fine then, now it’s time for me to...What? No, I will not turn off the Scooby-Doo soundtrack. You’re ruining the mood, just shut up already. Now it is time for me to caress your face. Will you please stop squirming? Yes, I know my hands are cold, but try not to think about it. What? My hands are not crusty; I use special skin therapy lotion. It comes highly recommended by the local nursing home. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you weren’t into this. Ok, ok, let’s just get this over with. I will now remove my clothing... Seriously, again with the flinching? What is it this time? Yes, I have pale skin. It is not unusually pale. Why don’t you just shut up already? Ow! There’s no need to slap me! I told you I don’t like it rough. Wait, what are you doing? Why are you putting your shirt back on? Don’t leave! You know what, I take that back. Leave! You don’t deserve me anyway. You just missed out on the best night of your life. You just denied yourself sex with Chris Williams.

The Perfect Present

Chris Williams’ Holiday Guide To Not Pissing People Off

      Well, it’s that time of year again. December. You know what that means. Cold weather and crowds at department stores; pushing, shoving, trampling, screaming, and kicking. And for what? Presents, of course. But not just any presents, cheap, discounted, 50%-off presents. These are the coveted items that cause people to neglect the cries of others lying on the gum filled floor of a Target lobby desperately trying not to get their head stepped on by a sweat suit wearing soccer mom who is sprinting towards the electronics department to get that new e-reader for 30% off. But really, we must admire these persistent shoppers. Their dedication cannot be matched. I know for certain that I would never trample anyone for a sale on scented candles. But, there are people who would take any measure necessary to get their hands on those treasures found on aisle 6.

10 Things My Parents Told Me When I Was Younger That I’ll Never Forget

1. I before E except after C.

2. Always say “please” and “thank you.”

3. Never order pasta at a diner.

4. You have to go to college; it’s the law.

5. Get that crap out of my shopping cart.

6. Go to bed; “The Sopranos” is on.

7. We have a two-hour car ride ahead of us. If you’re not quiet, Santa won’t bring you presents.

8. Why is there toothpaste on the toilet seat?

9. Don’t lie to me. I know you touched the computer because now it’s not working.

10. I killed the mailman. Forget that I told you this. Tell no one.

Fake News: INDEPENDENT ENTREPRENEUR DRAWS CROWD FOR BLACK FRIDAY SALE

      Shoppers were lined up outside the 34th Street Macy’s this Black Friday in the hopes of scoring some good deals. But these shoppers weren’t lined up for the sale inside; they were more interested in what was going on in the back alley.

     An unnamed entrepreneur set up his own sale in the dark alleyway behind Macy’s promising to give shoppers what they really wanted. Amongst the items for sale were dead rats, used napkins, broken flip-flops, half-eaten yogurt containers, and even old cushions from a stained couch. While these very same items might be on sale in any other department store, the man outside Macy’s was offering them at prices that shoppers couldn’t refuse.

Fake News: Historians Say Pilgrims and Indians Were Actually Besties

     As Thanksgiving approaches, more and more Americans question the friendly nature of the first Thanksgiving. According to a new study from the University of College, scholars have determined that the Pilgrims at Plymouth and the Native Americans who inhabited the land were in fact totes besties.

     John Wilcomb, who founded University of College for the sole purpose of this study, was aided by copious amounts of funding from the Butterball poultry company.

The Office: "Pam's Replacement" Review

   “Pam’s Replacement” wasn’t a very memorable or funny episode of “The Office” but it's probably the best they’ve done this season.

    The show usually never goes wrong when it pairs up Pam and Dwight. He makes her funnier, and she makes him more grounded. However, their plan to find out if Jim was lying about finding the new temp attractive never really took off the way I wanted it to, and ended rather abruptly. 

Poor Eleanor

     In fifth grade, I was given an assignment in which I had to write about one of the US presidents. I can’t say I was particularly excited about this since I preferred book reports. Book reports were good because I would pick one of the Harry Potter books that I had read a year ago and would refresh my memory by watching the movie. This president essay wouldn’t be as easy. I actually had to read about one of the presidents since I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to watch a movie about one of them. None of them interested me, so I figured I would write about Abraham Lincoln. Our school’s closet-sized library was out of the Lincoln books, so I chose Franklin Roosevelt.

A Note About the Title Change

    Yes, dedicated readers, my blog has a new name. Don't worry, it will still be not funny enough for McSweeney's as it was before. The reason for the change was that I initially set up this blog to post stuff I had already written and had nowhere else to put.

    Now, I'm writing new stuff for the blog and felt as though I needed a new title. I will continue to post the same kind of stuff I have before: daring, funny, articulate, and memorable writing that you will be talking about for years to come. I know a lot of you like to use the Internet for porn but, seriously, Pull Up Your Pants, It's Time to Read.

Always Be Prepared and Stuff

     

       The motto of the Boy Scouts of America is “always be prepared.” While at first this might sound like a warning against the perils of unprotected sex, its real purpose is to drill into young boys the value of thinking ahead. I think this is perhaps where I went wrong when my Boy Scout troop visited a local nursing home at Christmastime when I was eight.

The Office "Lotto": What happened?

     After a cold open that not only insulted my intelligence, but also made me question what had happened to “The Office,” I was forced by my loyalty to the show to sit though one of the worst episodes the show has ever done.

     There’s a new trend on the show where every season there is a new “worst episode of the series.” This trend started in season 6 (before that, the pilot was the clear winner of that title), and season 7 gave us two worst episodes (“Christening” and “The Inner Circle”).

I Love You, A Little

       

      I love you, my dear, but only a little. Oh yes, there was a time when I loved you with all my being. I first saw you exiting a Curves as I sat in the parking lot eating a Quiznos sub. Out of curiosity, I followed you, and I fell in love somewhere between your trip to the doctor’s office and when you bought groceries at Whole Foods.  I was addicted, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t get enough of you.

The Office “The List”: This Can Work

          

         After an over-bloated cold open filled with tons of exposition, pregnancy reveals, Internet fads, and Stanley’s new catchphrase I was pleasantly surprised by a very solid episode of “The Office.” I admit, I’ve had my doubts about the new season (especially since the NBC promo department spoiled the fact that Andy was the new manager). Since the beginning of season seven, after it was announced that Steve Carell was leaving, I had wanted Darryl to be the new manager. I thought it would be nice to have a grounded, normal character as the boss. After all, there’s a fair amount of crazy still floating around the office without Michael around. But after Dwight was manager for an episode, I changed my mind. I wanted to watch the show where Dwight was the manager. He got the crazy out of his system in “Dwight K. Schrute, (Acting) Manager,” and if he were offered the job, he would tone it down a bit while still being the Dwight we’ve come to know over the years.

Party Pooper

How I Single-Handedly Ruined a Murray Family Tradition

A Confession by Chris Williams (In His Own Words)

     The Fourth of July has never been that exciting to me. Fireworks and flag colored cupcakes pale in comparison to presents under brightly lit trees, Pilgrims and Native Americans “sharing a meal,” and zombie Jesus rising from the dead and asking his friends to stick their fingers in his wounds. Now those are the exciting holidays filled with family, turkey, dancing elves, more food than I would like to admit that I ate, and cards stuffed with $20 bills. Fourth of July has been more of an enigma in my family. Year after year, I would reluctantly go to see the fireworks and feign interest in the history of our nation. However, in September of 2010, I suddenly became more interested in the Fourth of July than all the other holidays combined.

Losing My Heart On: Looking Back at “The Office” Season 7

       

       There was a time when “The Office” was my favorite show on television. I would defend it to the very end due to its expert mix of laugh out loud comedy and pathos. However, the show has been on a downward spiral for a while and season seven of “The Office” made me realize that I am no longer emotionally invested in the show. After Jim and Pam got their happy ending, the heart of the show became Michael Scott and his relationship with lovable HR rep Holly Flax. While his departure was very satisfying, despite the pointless and infuriating Will Ferrell appearances, the show now lacks the emotional core that it needs. Going forward I think that one of the show’s biggest challenges is to do what it did so well in the early years, finding the balance between heart and comedy. 

TB Determined

     In my senior year of high school I decided that it was time to become an even better person. Obviously, this would be difficult for me since I was already so wonderful, but I was up for the challenge. I was in a course which required me to do some type of community service. Most of the guys in my class opted to volunteer with school children. Helping black kids learn algebra didn’t exactly have much of a zing to it. Anyone could do that. Me? I wanted to volunteer with hospice patients. I was pretty sure at the time that if there was a heaven, volunteering with dying people pretty much means you have a guaranteed spot up there. It would be difficult, sure, but I would have so many stories to tell and people would praise me for my bravery. It would be like Tuesdays with Morrie or Driving Miss Daisy or something like that. I would connect with a patient and they would connect with me, and we would change each other’s lives (that is, of course, until the person died and I moved on to the next life-changing bundle of death). So, without even considering helping school kids, I signed up with Grace Health Care Services. Give me my badge, and I’m off to meet some dying people. Unfortunately, there was training. A lot of training. Training that required me to rub oil on a 65-year-old woman’s veiny hands. Training that also required medical tests. Medical tests that would reveal, or seemingly so, a startling fact about my then current state of health.

The Philanthropists

       We are the most generous people in the world. We don’t mean to brag, but there is no denying that bold statement once one has examined all of the selfless, marvelous things we have done. Just last week we built a school for some filthy little Guatemalan children. Oh, their lives were so wretched before we helped them. Imagine, they didn’t even have a school to go to. Well, once Jim and I found out about that, the first thing we did was ask Maria, our maid, if her family had schools back in Guatemala. Apparently, Maria is Mexican, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all the same country.

It's Not Us, It's You

   

       After a few encouraging rejection letters from McSweeney's, I figured it's time to put some of my writing out there. I was told my writing was funny, but not funny enough. Since no one else will take them, my orphaned writings will be posted on this blog. Here you'll find mostly nonfiction humor pieces with some fiction essays and reviews thrown in for good measure. I love TV and books, so expect a bunch of posts about those also.