10 Things My Parents Told Me When I Was Younger That I’ll Never Forget

1. I before E except after C.

2. Always say “please” and “thank you.”

3. Never order pasta at a diner.

4. You have to go to college; it’s the law.

5. Get that crap out of my shopping cart.

6. Go to bed; “The Sopranos” is on.

7. We have a two-hour car ride ahead of us. If you’re not quiet, Santa won’t bring you presents.

8. Why is there toothpaste on the toilet seat?

9. Don’t lie to me. I know you touched the computer because now it’s not working.

10. I killed the mailman. Forget that I told you this. Tell no one.

Fake News: INDEPENDENT ENTREPRENEUR DRAWS CROWD FOR BLACK FRIDAY SALE

      Shoppers were lined up outside the 34th Street Macy’s this Black Friday in the hopes of scoring some good deals. But these shoppers weren’t lined up for the sale inside; they were more interested in what was going on in the back alley.

     An unnamed entrepreneur set up his own sale in the dark alleyway behind Macy’s promising to give shoppers what they really wanted. Amongst the items for sale were dead rats, used napkins, broken flip-flops, half-eaten yogurt containers, and even old cushions from a stained couch. While these very same items might be on sale in any other department store, the man outside Macy’s was offering them at prices that shoppers couldn’t refuse.

Fake News: Historians Say Pilgrims and Indians Were Actually Besties

     As Thanksgiving approaches, more and more Americans question the friendly nature of the first Thanksgiving. According to a new study from the University of College, scholars have determined that the Pilgrims at Plymouth and the Native Americans who inhabited the land were in fact totes besties.

     John Wilcomb, who founded University of College for the sole purpose of this study, was aided by copious amounts of funding from the Butterball poultry company.

The Office: "Pam's Replacement" Review

   “Pam’s Replacement” wasn’t a very memorable or funny episode of “The Office” but it's probably the best they’ve done this season.

    The show usually never goes wrong when it pairs up Pam and Dwight. He makes her funnier, and she makes him more grounded. However, their plan to find out if Jim was lying about finding the new temp attractive never really took off the way I wanted it to, and ended rather abruptly. 

Poor Eleanor

     In fifth grade, I was given an assignment in which I had to write about one of the US presidents. I can’t say I was particularly excited about this since I preferred book reports. Book reports were good because I would pick one of the Harry Potter books that I had read a year ago and would refresh my memory by watching the movie. This president essay wouldn’t be as easy. I actually had to read about one of the presidents since I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to watch a movie about one of them. None of them interested me, so I figured I would write about Abraham Lincoln. Our school’s closet-sized library was out of the Lincoln books, so I chose Franklin Roosevelt.

A Note About the Title Change

    Yes, dedicated readers, my blog has a new name. Don't worry, it will still be not funny enough for McSweeney's as it was before. The reason for the change was that I initially set up this blog to post stuff I had already written and had nowhere else to put.

    Now, I'm writing new stuff for the blog and felt as though I needed a new title. I will continue to post the same kind of stuff I have before: daring, funny, articulate, and memorable writing that you will be talking about for years to come. I know a lot of you like to use the Internet for porn but, seriously, Pull Up Your Pants, It's Time to Read.

Always Be Prepared and Stuff

     

       The motto of the Boy Scouts of America is “always be prepared.” While at first this might sound like a warning against the perils of unprotected sex, its real purpose is to drill into young boys the value of thinking ahead. I think this is perhaps where I went wrong when my Boy Scout troop visited a local nursing home at Christmastime when I was eight.