That Signature Look

     I need to be more like Hitler; he had the right idea. Right now I’m too much of an Osama. In case you’re wondering, I’m referring to appearances. I’m not referring to these men’s ideologies; let’s keep this superficial.

      I was on the subway last week and a Muslim man got on the train, dressed to the nines. He had on the full garb (yes, I know I am being insensitive by not using the proper terms for Muslim clothing, but I do not know the actual terms and “garb” is a lot better than calling someone a “towel head,” so we’ll stick with “garb”). The second this man stepped on the train, I immediately thought “Osama Bin Laden!” It wasn’t as though I thought this man was a terrorist but my thought was more of a “Hey, that’s how Osama Bin Laden used to dress.” Still, making this immediate association was a disappointment to me. “Really Chris?” I thought, that's what some Kansas hillbilly in New York for the first time would think. I wanted to go up to this man and apologize and tell him that I respected his religion and maybe buy him some ice cream. But then again, I’m sure almost everyone else in the subway car thought the same thing I did. If I didn’t offer him guilt-ridden ice cream, then someone else would. 
      So why did I make the same association a grandma from Arkansas would? Is this a normal reaction in a post-9/11 New York? Am I racist? Am I just not exposed to enough Muslim men in full “garb”? Maybe if they hung out around Union Square I’d be used to the sight. I’m over thinking this; my reaction had to do with nothing more than his appearance. A particular look can engrain itself in our minds and conjure up certain images. Apparently, my subconscious is racist and associates all Muslim men (in full “garb,” the distinction is important) with Osama Bin Laden. But let’s not blame me or my subconscious. Let’s blame Osama Bin Laden. That’s what Americans do best.

      Seriously though, Osama Bin Laden was an asshole. Millions of other people dress the way he did, and were doing so before he came along. He had a signature look, but it was one that a bunch of people already had. Now, well-meaning people like myself will reflexively associate the sight of a Muslim man with Osama Bin Laden. Why’d he have to ruin the fun for everyone? Couldn’t he have worn a silly hat or dyed his hair green? That way, everyone would have won. Oh shit, I’m being insensitive again. But, you get what I’m saying, right?

      That brings me to Hitler. Talk about a signature look! It’s called a “Hitler moustache” for a reason. It was distinct and unique. It made him stand out and helped him brand himself. It’s just like when Snooki’s poof helps her sell hair products but actually it’s not like that at all. Hitler’s moustache set him apart from everyone else and he made it his own. I’m not racist, because if a man with a Hitler moustache walked onto the subway, I would’ve thought “Hitler!” just like I did with the Muslim man. But in this case, I wouldn’t have felt the need to buy this man an ice cream because he would be copying Hitler rather than adhering to the customs of his religion. Hitler gave people the option to choose his look; if they want to be associated with him all they have to do is shave off the sides of their moustache, and if not then that’s fine too. Way to go, Hitler! Or he might have just been copying Charlie Chaplin.

      Like Osama Bin Laden and Hitler, I too have a signature look. I rarely go a day without wearing a plaid button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, my watch, and my Chuck Taylors. But, most importantly, I wear glasses. A lot of people associate me with my glasses and it is not uncommon for me to be referred to as “the one with the glasses.” I’ve grown used to this, even if it makes my heart cry. My glasses are my signature look, but how unique of a look is it? What sets me apart from Whoopi Goldberg, Woody Allen, and Velma from Scooby-Doo? If the four of us were in a lineup, you might have a hard time picking me out. (Hint: I'm the white, young, non-animated one).  I need some Hitler glasses, something that will make me stand out and be remembered. And before you go telling me that Osama Bin Laden and Hitler are remembered for more than just their appearances, let me tell you to shut up because this is my blog and I can write whatever I want.

       So to make a long story short and to get to the actual point of this essay: yes, everybody, I’m announcing to the world, on this very blog, that I'm getting new glasses. I just have to make sure they’re Hitler-y enough. 


P.S. I hope the picture made you giggle because creating it ruins any chance I have at a career in politics.