Happy Thanksgiving Kids!

     Hi family, time to get excited! I’m about to cook Thanksgiving dinner! Yes, I know it’s only been a week since the doctor let me out of the hospital, but I think I’m ready to start taking on new challenges and I’m gonna start by cooking us a lovely meal!

     Since I’m not allowed near sharp objects, we can’t have turkey. Sorry kids, but ol’ dad isn’t legally able to use knives so unless you wanna eat the meat directly off the turkey, there’ll be no turkey. This means there’ll also be no stuffing. We can’t go out to eat because daddy isn’t allowed to leave the house for the next six months.

      Why the long faces everyone? Cheer up! I know it’s gonna be hard, but this family has been through MUCH worse. Remember that time I killed Fluffy and put his body parts in each of your beds? That was a dark chapter in our family’s history, and we’ve moved past it. Look how happy we are now!

       Wait, why are you crying? Is it because of Fluffy? That fucking animal was a filthy.... Oh no, looks like good ol’ dad’s temper is flaring up. Lucky for you, kids, that’s why dad was in the psychiatric hospital for so long. A few years ago I would’ve wanted to take cheese graters to your precious little angel faces, and now I just wanna kick them with soccer cleats on! Just kidding! I’m cured! I love you kids, you know that, right?

       Anyway let’s get back to my spectacular, welcome home Thanksgiving dinner! Since we can’t eat a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, we should spice it up a bit! I’m reinventing myself and this meal is the best place to start! A new beginning! For all of us! On Thanksgiving! How perfect!   

       Wait; put the phone down! Don’t call your mother. You’re not calling your mother? Who are you calling? Why are you calling the police? Wait, you’re not Bobby and Janie? Neither of you are my children? Oh, sorry to bother you. Guess this explains all the crying. Happy Thanksgiving kids! Don’t let strangers in the house next time. I apologize for my nakedness.