Happy Easter Janie

       

       Janie, be careful with that. We don’t want dye all over the counter. That’s better. Wow, that Easter egg really came out nice. Good job princess.

        Look, sweetheart I think it’s time we had a talk. You’re getting older now; you’ll be a first grader next year. As your father, I feel it is my right to tell you some facts of life so that you’re better prepared for the world. Well, where to begin? How ‘bout Easter! Janie, angel, you know the Easter Bunny you’re so excited to have come tonight? Well, he’s not real. Your mother and I are the ones who fill your basket with chocolates and treats. I know, it’s rather shocking, but this is just one of the many terrible truths about life that you will have to face. What? Of course you’ll still get chocolate tomorrow, but it’ll be from your mother and I. Not some magical rabbit. Remember when your tooth fell out and you put it under your pillow and the tooth fairy came? She’s not real either. That was me who put the money under your pillow. And Santa? I hate to break it to you sweetheart but he is also just a charade. There is no Santa and there’s no magic and there’s nothing worth living for. I can see this is upsetting you, honey, but you need to know all of this if you’re gonna survive in this world.
      Also, I need to address the topic of religion, the superficial reason for the Easter Bunny and Santa. Well, religion isn’t real either. Remember when mommy and I told you about Jesus and all the miracles he did? Those were fake. Jesus was nothing more than a charismatic cult leader who told stories about love and friendship. Your mother and I wanted you to learn those stories because they will help you be a better person but you need to know the truth now. Jesus isn’t real. There is no God. Since God and Jesus don’t exist, there’s also no heaven. Remember when grandma died and we all said she was in heaven and that when we died we would get to see her again? That isn’t true, princess. You will never see grandma again. She’s dead. That’s what dead means. When you die, you are all alone. This is important because I’ll probably die soon. There’s a long history of early deaths on my side of the family and in all likelihood I will be dead before you turn thirty. Once I’m dead we’ll never see each other again and I’ll just rot in a cemetery.

        I’m not so sure how long your mother has either. You don’t know this but she has a really bad drinking problem and she’s refusing to get help. I’m incredibly worried and it has put quite a strain on our marriage, not to mention our sex life. You know something? Your mother never even wanted kids. I had to talk her out of aborting you. If it weren’t for you we probably wouldn’t be together right now. So, in a way, you’re the reason mommy’s so unhappy and can’t stop drinking. But she loves you, although I question that sometimes. When you were a baby, your mother fell down the stairs while carrying you. She said it was an accident but I think she was lying. Janie, your mother’s a heartless bitch.

        That brings us back to you, princess, and this might be the hardest thing of all to tell you. You know how your mother and I are always saying how special and talented you are? How we always get excited when you make a new drawing or you get a sticker at school? Sweetie, none of that means shit to us. We honestly couldn’t give a fuck if you painted a picture of a horse or not. And while I’m at it, your drawings aren’t that great. I’ve been to your school before and I’ve seen the other kids’ artwork and frankly, Janie, you’re below average. You aren’t as special or as talented as we say you are so we’re going to stop so you don’t get an inflated ego. Well, I think that’s everything I needed to tell you. Aw, sweetie, stop crying. You’re gonna get tears all over the Easter eggs.